“i fear being like everyone i hate, i fear failure, i fear losing control. i love balancing between chaos and control with everything i do. i always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. and i fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society.”
—
July 2010
27 posts
“nobody wants their problems solved. their dramas. their distractions. their stories resolved. their messes cleaned up. because what would they have left? just the big scary unknown.”
—
“you know what i think hurts the most? the feeling of being replaced. it’s like no matter what you did, it wasn’t enough. and no matter what you do to try and capture their heart again, doesn’t seem to work. and you’re suddenly left thinking that you’ll never be enough. and a sudden sadness captures your heart that never really leaves.”
—
i hate you for making me feel the way i do.
jan 12 2010
rescue me
I want a man to save me
without me having to ask
I want him to understand me
without having to hear all I have to say
I want him to be there by my side
day and night
without me making him
I want him to hold me
as if he wants me more than anything
I want him to always be there
never having me ask him to stay
I never want him to let me go
I want him to love me
without me having to love him back
I want him to be there
I want him to care
I want him to rescue me.
who are you now
Who are you now?
Now that the past is gone, and you’ve been given the chance to start over.
Who is staring back at you, when you look in that mirror?
Because the person I see is nowhere close to being who you are.
At least, not who I thought you were.
I thought I knew you, the real you, I was wrong.
Who are you, and what have done with my father?
Because the person I knew didn’t do things like you.
He was strong, and sweet, and even caring.
The person I see now is nowhere close to being who you were.
So the way I see it, I never saw you.
I only saw what I wanted.
I saw what I thought I wanted; I saw what I thought I needed.
I was wrong, and now I get to live the truth.
Truth being, you don’t even know who you are.
<3
stranger i see
I’m surprised to see myself the way I do.
The person staring back at me in the mirror is nothing but a stranger
a stranger I thought I once knew.
I don’t know what happened to her,
is it the look in her eyes when she smiles,
or the shine in her eyes that you can tell she’s happy.
I don’t know what it is that I didn’t see before.
But this person staring back at me is more real than ever before.
I’m surprised this person isn’t scaring me
with this look of achievement I see,
and the feelings of excitement that I feel.
Who is she, other than me, other than a reflection
staring back at me?
I’m surprised to be the person I am today,
to feel this way, to see life the way I do.
I’m surprised to feel the confidence that I do,
to respect myself more than they do.
Her name now, is worth mentioning,
her thoughts are worth hearing,
her dreams are more realistic,
her future is brighter, and closer than ever.
the past is erased, the pain is numbed,
her smile shines, her eyes brightened with the glare of happiness
no more tears, no more fears
she feels nothing anymore that brings her pain.
<3
dayyy ten
Dear someone I don’t talk to as much as I’d like,
I know that we live far, and that we both live two completely different lives, but how hard is it to pick up the phone an either text or call a person? I wish I knew what changed things, because I know it’s not the distance. I miss you, a lot. I hate the fact that it’s been almost a year since I last saw you, and that even though I’m seeing you in about a week, I’m not as excited as I should be. I hope that things start to change, and that you find a way back into my life. I need my silly-boy. :P
noisemaker.
<3
dayyyy nine
dear someone I wish I could meeet,
Tyra banks, I think you are amazing and such a great role model. I would love to have the chance to talk to you and to just see you in person.
<3
dayyy eight
Dear Favorite Internet Friend,
I’ve known you for about two years now, and I’ve hung out with you once. We stopped talking there for awhile, but I know you’ll always be there. You’re a great guy overall, and an even better friend. You find a way of coming back into my life at the oddest times, but I’m thankful for that. Thanks for all the good times, ya know. (:
<3
“
“I wish people would say what they
feel. Forget about stupid signals,
this isn’t a four way crossing.”
“The more you get to know a person,
the more attractive they become to you.
Because everything beautiful you see on
the inside of them, suddenly you’re able
to see on the outside of them too.”
“Every story has an ending.
But in life, every ending is a new beginning.
- (uptown girls)”
dayyyy seven
- so i was originally supposed to write to stranger, but i’ve already done that. -
Dear Ex-crush,
We were supposed to be together, to this day I know that deep inside you that you want me, you’re just too scared to admit it. You’re too scared to admit anything, to anyone. We talked for seven months and to this day I don’t think I’ve heard a sincere apology from you. It’s not the fact that we didnt work that makes me mad, it’s how you ended things, and the fact that no one knew about me…and that you’re friends ignored me, and so did you. You put me down so much, and never even realized it. In the end, you hurt me more than anything, more than I ever thought you could. You know, I could have loved you, honestly I started to. There’s so much that you don’t know, so many things I’d love to tell you, but you’ll never listen, either that or you just won’t respond. It’s as if I’m talking to a brick wall…it kills me inside to know that you just stopped caring. Everyday I think about you, I think about calling you, just to hear your voice, I think about texting you just to see how you’ll respond, but I don’t because it’ll just hurt. I really don’t undersatnd why we went so long, and never were together. I had you meet my whole family, thinking maybe you’d let me meet your parents…but no. You would telll me over and over again that we would end up together, that I’d meet your parents, that I was good enough, just for it all to be a lie. We never ended up together, not even close, didn’t meet your parents, and I obviously wasn’t good enough. I wish I could understand you, why you weren’t as honest with me, and why you led me on, knowingly. Part of me hates you, honestly. I wish, so much that you were still a part of my life, but I just can’t bring myself to be friends with you. It’s partly because I’m an all or nothing person, and I’d rather have nothing to do with you. The words you wrote, the words that you’d say, they have a way of coming back to me sometimes, I can’t get them to go away. Sometimes part of me wishes that I would have been the bigger person, the stronger one. The one that was able to let go when things started to fall apart, but there was a part of me telling to hold on, hope. That’s what it was, it wasn’t you and the way we were, it was hope and the fact of us being together. I’ve never had so much hope, I’ve never waited for anything, ever. You were something different, something special, someone who started to bring the best out of me, the real feelings that I hid deep inside, you were the one I was finally ready to be with. You were the one I thought I could be with, like be with. I thought about marrying you, the only person I ever thought that with, I told you things that to this I can’t believe I was able to, I had dreams, dreams about you, that made me wake up believing that it was real. Everything was a dream, and finally I woke up, I woke up and realized it was a dream and that nothing was ever as real as I thought it was. Thank you for finallny waking me up, I feel better now seeing this. Seeing that you and I were never ment to be, that I wasn’t the one for you, and that I can now be with the one I’m supposed to be with. Thank you, and goodbye.
</3
dayyy fiveeee
“i’ve been thinking a lot about taking chances and how it’s really just about overcoming your fears. because the truth is, everytime you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you’re always glad you took it”
Dear Dreams,
I feel as though I don’t really have any right now. In the last couple of years a lot of them have come true. It scares me to have goals and dreams because I never think I’m good enough to achieve any, it’s as if though I’m just setting myself up to fail, or to let myself down. Some of the dreams I know for a fact will come true, and the others I just try and put aside.
Dreams are always much better than reality.
<3
“when you’re in love you never really know whether your elation
comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes
them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo
comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.” —
comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes
them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo
comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.” —
i've come to realize, I love you.
We have a weird relationship, you and I. We started off friends, then boyfriend/girlfriend, then nothing, back to friends, leading to another relationship, then two years of not even talking, back to being friends, and now to where we are today, almost in a relationship…again. That’s what makes us, us. It’s that we have a past, chemistry to be exact. It’s what brought us where we’re supposed to be. A little time apart, some faith and hope, and a little love was all it took to bring us where we are today. Where we should have been all along (:
“‘Cause you’re the apple to my pie. You’re the straw to my berry. You’re the smoke to my high. And you’re the one I wanna marry.”
—if only you knew how true this was
“i love him. and i know, the word “love” is so overused by naive
teenage girls who don’t know any better. but trust me, i know
so much better. hearing his name makes my heart beat faster.
seeing him makes my heart stop. but when he looks at me,
that’s the worst. i can’t breathe, it feels like he’s staring into my
soul; like he can see everything i think and feel. it feels like,
with one look, he’s saying sorry for what has happened and
like he knows that things weren’t supposed to end this way.
and around him, i feel so calm and jumpy, all at the same time.
these feelings scream “love” to me.” —
teenage girls who don’t know any better. but trust me, i know
so much better. hearing his name makes my heart beat faster.
seeing him makes my heart stop. but when he looks at me,
that’s the worst. i can’t breathe, it feels like he’s staring into my
soul; like he can see everything i think and feel. it feels like,
with one look, he’s saying sorry for what has happened and
like he knows that things weren’t supposed to end this way.
and around him, i feel so calm and jumpy, all at the same time.
these feelings scream “love” to me.” —
“google doesn’t have all the answers. it can’t tell you how to fall
in love, or how to know if someone’s falling in love with you. it
can’t tell you if you’re falling out of love, or if someone’s falling
out of love with you. it can’t tell you if someone is lying to you.
it can’t tell you how to say goodbye to people you love. it can’t
tell you if you should follow your head or your heart. google
can’t explain why he left. it can’t explain why he didn’t follow
when you walked away. nobody can answer those questions,
except ourselves.” —
in love, or how to know if someone’s falling in love with you. it
can’t tell you if you’re falling out of love, or if someone’s falling
out of love with you. it can’t tell you if someone is lying to you.
it can’t tell you how to say goodbye to people you love. it can’t
tell you if you should follow your head or your heart. google
can’t explain why he left. it can’t explain why he didn’t follow
when you walked away. nobody can answer those questions,
except ourselves.” —
day fourrrrrr
dear grandam, (mom as i call you, long story)
I’ve been close with you my whole life, you know me better than anyone else, and I love that. I love that no matter what I do I can always talk to you and you don’t ever judge me. I have the best memories with you, and am always looking forward to making more. I know that I may not be the person you want me to be, but you’re happy with who I’ve become anyway. I’m thankful for all that you’ve done for me, and for being there no matter what. I love you.
<3
dayyyyy threee.
Parents.
Dear mom,
I never realized how much pain I caused you until I finally heard you say that you forgave me. I’m sorry for all the horrible things I’ve done to hurt you the past years, I’m sorry that I didn’t open up to you and that you had to find everything out the hard way. I hate how we used to be so close, and now sometimes I feel like I barley know you. I’m so thankful for you each and everyday, and that you married someone like Donnie. I’m happy for you, for us, for everything. I feel as though I take you for granted sometimes, but I want you to know how much I love you & how thankful I am of you and Donnie.
<3
